Soppong: an extra two hours from the end of everywhere

 We are doing a series a sharp banks over the Thai-Burmese border.  
I look at the jungle terrain and calculate my survival rates. Not good   .....Wheeeeeeee, another sharp turn ...  
"Hail Mary full of Grace, the Lord is with thee" I'm not Catholic but it makes me feel better.
 I have an army guide and first aid kit,  but that's in my bag and my bag is in the overhead locker
Oh god. I wish the pilot would stop doing that
"Holy Mary, mother of God, pray for us now and in the hour of our death"
How big would the debris field be I wonder. Is it better to be sitting the front of the plane or the tail? While other people are eating their complimentary nuts, I'm contemplating who I would eat first. I blame my mother for this unbidden terriblising.

I arrive onto a small strip of cleared land. "Soppong?" I say hopefully. The woman behind the counter just looks confused "Soooppoong" I say again  "Is that a market or a department store?" she replies in perfect English. "Ahhhhh nope, as far as I know it's a village"  "never heard of it" she shugs " try the bus station"

The bus station is actually a group of mini vans on the side of the road with a small office.
"Soppong?" If in doubt, repeat until someone feels sorry for you. A wee bald man gets out from the behind the wheel "Ahh yes, yes madam, we are going to Soppong today. We are indeed but you will need a ticket. Does madam have a ticket" I tilt my head  "Perhaps not then, please go to the ticket office" I pick up my massive pack and begin walk over when I spot the the same man jogging in front of me. He ducks into to the office and puts a cap on " and where are we going today madam?" 
You gotta be kidding me.  He writes me a ticket and gives it back with a flourish, he then jogs back over to the van - sans cap.

Snuggled in front of me are a small gaggle of four year olds. As I sit down their heads go up and over the seats like little Thai meercats "hi there" they stare at me solemnly "sawasdee ka" I try but their faces just slink behind the seat one by one.

The van ride makes the Rimutakas out of welly look like a merry-go-round at a small child's amusement park. I drag my head up once, view the dizzying heights and decide to give myself a new scientific genus "Vomitous Vomitoria".   


To be continued when zombie mosquitos, hungry for the taste of human flesh,  are not eating my face.

  
 

The memory of an elephant - part two

I'm going to tell you a story exactly how it was told to me.

There once was a baby elephant called Wild Boy. Wild Boy loved eating and playing, but the thing Wild Boy loved the more than anything in the world was swimming in the river. Wild Boy lived at an elephant sanctuary. His home had a huge river that ran from one side to the other. Wild Boy would go down to the river and swim for hours. On the shore, he is very heavy but in the water he was weightless and free as a sparrow. When he was finished, he would go to the riverbank and throw nice cool mud all over his body.

One day, Wild boy was swimming when he saw something new in the water. He was very excited and he looked at it carefully. It was bamboo raft with a man on it. The man had long hair and big bamboo pole.
The man  smiled at Wild boy and called "hup hup" . He drew his raft close to Wild boy. Suddenly, the man's smile turned into a sneer. He hit Wild boy hard on his little head with the bamboo pole over and over.
Wild boys carer, Lek, saw what was happening and she was very angry. She ran down to the river and yelled at the man "leave my elephant alone! Don't hit my baby!". The man just laughed and laughed and rode the raft away down the river. Wild boy was very sad, he was only a small elephant and everyone loved him. He didn't know how to protect himself.

Years and years past and Wild boy grew into a big strong elephant.
He was walking in the field one day when he saw something in the river. It was the raftman from when he was a child! He remembered the raftman hitting him and laughing at him. He was filled with anger and he ran into the river and flipped the raftman into the water. It made him very happy to see the raftman in the water. From then on, every time he saw his bamboo raft, he would run into the water and flip it over with his powerful trunk. But he never touched any of the other rafts.

The raftman was very angry. He called everyone he knew but the police, the council and even the government wouldn't stop Wild boy. One day, the raftman had an idea. He would wear a disguise so Wild boy would let him pass. He put on a big floppy hat and sun glasses and wore different clothes but Wild boy was a smart elephant. He still knew it was the raftman and he flipped his raft over again.

After a while, the raftman needed to go to another village. The only way to get there was along the river and pass Wild boy. "What can I do" he thought to himself as he played with long hair. "Every time that evil elephant flips my raft over." Suddenly, he looked down and had an idea. He got some scissors and cut all of his hair off, then he got a razor and he shaved his head until he looked like a monk. "ha!" he thought "Wild boy will never recognize me now!"
Can you guess what happened? The raftman got very wet that day!


  

          

The memory of an elephant - part one

I'm going to tell you story exactly how it was told to me.

There once was a woman called Lek. She started a home for elephants that had been mistreated and abused by their owners. One happy day, one of the elephants had a baby. Lek needed a new mahout (elephant trainer) to help train the baby. Hundreds of mahouts came from all over Thailand to apply for the job. A position at Lek's sanctuary was very sought after. Stories of her kind treatment had travelled far and wide.

Lek talked to many men. She asked each Mahout why they wanted to with her. Each had a different answer but none of them had the right answer. Some said the money was very good, others said the working conditions were better, some said that it was close to their village. Finally, one old mahout shuffled into her office. He said that he had been working with elephants for 20 years and he was tired of telling elephants what do to. He said he wanted to work in a place where elephants were free. Lek was very impressed by this and she decided that he was the one she had been looking for. She sent all the other mahouts home. The older mahout was very happy. He took off his hat and thanked Lek for choosing him.

Lek took him outside to see the sanctuary. She showed him the food areas and the shelters. She told him although he knew a lot about elephants, things were very different here. Elephants are to be respected and taken care of. They are trained with love not with a metal hook. At last, it was time to meet his elephant.  But as he walked into the field, something very strange happened. When the mother elephant saw the elderly mahout, she ran away with her tail in the air. She called for her child and all the females grouped together around her. They rumbled together and threw their trunks down on the ground in anger. Lek was very surprised. She ask the mahout "Do you this elephant? Have you worked with her?" The mahout swore he had never seen the elephant in his life.

Lek was suspicious. She knows elephants very well and she thought maybe the old mahout was lying. She thought very quickly and decided to test him. She knew that this elephant loved old bread so she gave the mahout some old bread to feed to her. The elephant refused to open her mouth. The mahout tried everything to open her mouth, but nothing worked.
"Ahhh" said the mahout "this elephant is scared of strangers. This means nothing"
So Lek found three people who were visiting the park for the first time. She put them in a line with the old mahout at the back. Each person feed the elephant some bread but when it was the old mahout's turn, the elephant refused to open her mouth again.
"Ahhh" said the mahout quickly "this elephant only likes farangs (foreigners). This means nothing"
So Lek found three Thai people and put them in the line again, with the old mahout at the back.
Just like before, the elephant accepted the bread from the others but shut her mouth tightly when she saw the old mahout.

Lek turned to the Mahout. She looked in his eyes and said firmly "Friend,  this is your last chance. Do you know this elephant" The Mahout looked at the elephant then he looked at the ground sadly, he took off his old battered hat and held it to his chest. "Yes" he said quietly "I know this elephant. 15 years ago, when I was a young mahout, I worked at a river camp. We had a show for foreigners with elephants. It was my job to train this elephant to open her mouth for the crowds, we had to use the hook to make her obey"
Lek looked at the old mahout and said "I'm sorry but you cannot work here. This is the elephant's home and they choose who works here, not us. This elephant remembers your cruelty, she will not accept you and I am sorry but neither can I"



  
    




      

Crossing over

Yesterday I decided to cross the road. 

Now bear with me, I know this is something a three year can do, but traffic here is a wee bit different from back in sleepy old home. This is the first time I had crossed the road. Even the thought of crossing the road before this had put the fear of god into me. What I had been doing previously was walking only in straight lines.  This had become problematic. Firstly, because it took a lot extra time and more importantly because I never ended up where I wanted to go.

I spent last night watching, with a sad and desperate longing that only the truly anxious know, as people crossed the road. The very young, the very old, all crossing. There's only a certain amount the heart can take before you have to poo or get off the pot as they say. That and I was holding up foot traffic. 

This is what happened next:

I tentatively put my toe over the curb. 

Loud cheering and collective horn tooting began. 300 motorbikes sped past with horns, flags, and banners. This was followed by 200 scooters, 20 open backed trucks with streamers. 5 promotional double-decker buses with scantily clad fan girls, 3 trucks blaring Thai music and finally a limousine convertible with an entire football team in it, holding proudly aloft a giant gold trophy while letting off fireworks.

I put my toe back on the curb, turned around and caught a taxi to the market

 

 

The coming revolution

It's four in the morning in Chaingmai and the lizards are up to something.

I'm sitting in the courtyard of the villa because I'm still on kiwi time and on a beautiful, temperate night like this it seems a waste to stay in my room. It's warm and sticky like mango rice but far more like being wrapped in a cozy blanket than the smothering humidity of the day. It's also monsoon season which is Thai for "so much rain, in such a short time it feels like it will drown us all". Smells of tropical rain, incense and mosquitoes drift over from the temple across the road and the tiny lizards are getting closer and closer.

I know they're planning something because every time I glance up, they look shifty and run away.They're biding their time but they can wait. I imagine an avalanche of minuscule lizards flooding through the hotel like something from the shining.
"Rise brothers! No longer be satisfied with scraps from the falang's (whitey) table. Today is ours!"     

It's going to happen.


  

Chapter one: I've heard it makes a hard man humble

In which our valiant young adventuress thwarts the advances of a would be abductor...kind of


Bangkok:
I have been warned. Trust no one. Accept nothing at face value. View everyone as a potential threat to both life and possibly, in worst case scenarios, limb as well. "Set phasers to suspicion" I wittily adopt.

So when I arrive at the airport and a nice young man directs me to an unmarked white van, I know exactly what is going on.  "Ha, good sir. Do you take me for a fool" I think  "No thank you, sir" I say with utmost confidence " I don't want or need your help"

Alarmingly, this only makes him more insistent "please madam, get in the van, get in the van. Here let me take your bags" he says, reaching for my arm.

"Absolutely not" I say, puffing my chest out to it's most affronted "Do you think I will just get into this..this.. rape mobile with you, where I will certainly be mugged, murdered and god knows what else. No sir! Not me. I am a worldly woman and a seasoned traveler. I refuse to become a statistic. Not me sir and certainly not today!"

He gives me an exasperated sideways glance and shows me his ID card
"Ms. Corlett, I'm from the your hotel. You ordered a shuttle to meet you at the gate and you're late. Now please ma'am, kindly get in the van."

"Oh" I say meekly "absolutely "

What we learnt today :
Not everyone is trying to abduct and murder you... but some probably are.. so good luck with that.